I called the doctor and this is what he said…

I’ve decided that I need to give medicine a try. A friend at work made a recommendation for my anxiety and edginess lately, so I called my doctor to see if he would be able/willing to help me out.

I informed him that I have no insurance, but that I really need help because I have an infant and work with kids.

I believe that my birth control has a lot to do with it. Mike says I’ve been this way since he’s known me…okay, if so, I need to fix it. I’ve tried meditation and exercise, breathing…all those techniques and they don’t work for me. I feel weird because I’m always counseling teens on how to manage their behaviors and how to respond appropriately to their feelings, yet I can’t make it work for myself.

My BC is Mirena and I believe it comes packed with hormones. I haven’t felt normal since having it placed in my uterus. Thing is is that I can’t afford to have it removed nor can I afford to not have BC. It would cost about $460 to have it removed.

I called my doc and talked with one of the nurses. She said she’d talk to him and get back with me. (They’re very personal there. They treat you like family.)

She told me it’d be $75 for the visit and he wouldn’t charge to write a prescription. I can’t afford that.

Luckily we have EAP at work – an Employee Assistance Program – that I utilized once before when I hit that deer. Jennifer told me that it’s for ALL employees: part-time, full-time, PRN…whatever. So, I’m going to call and set up an appointment to see my therapist again.

I’m sure those of you at Fornits will love twisting my words around to make me sound looney, like I need to be commited at a hospital. This is frequent after childbirth and with body changes for us hormonal and emotional women.


Why I didn’t put my baby in daycare:

Last week I heard on the news about a baby at a daycare that was discovered to have been put in a dark room with it’s paci taped with packaging tape over it’s mouth.

I would be going to jail for beating the living shit out of somebody. This happened not too far from my hometown, in Jefferson City.

You know when I talked to people about why I refused to put Aidan in daycare after maternity leave, they always told me the same thing, you know that it doesn’t happen that often; it’s not every daycare….blah, blah. Well, maybe that’s true, but what about all of the abuse/neglect that we don’t hear about; that we don’t ever know happens?? I’m not willing to take that chance. Ever.

I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have absolutely no control over what happens to you in any way shape or form. babies don’t know to scream for help. They don’t know that what’s being done to them is wrong.

If you’re a parent, picture the look on your baby’s face whenever they have their paci in and they give you that baffled, cute look. Now imagine it happening when someone’s taping up their mouth. How can anyone treat babies so horribly?? I mean you have to be sick to do such a thing.

Before Aidan was born, I was flippant on the idea of putting him in daycare. After he came along, I knew I never wanted to take any risks of putting him in danger.

Plus, I didn’t want his first word, first step, etc with other people. I wanted it to be with either Mike or I. Fortunately my job was able to help me out with this and I took a PRN position and they’ve worked me practically every weekend what I asked for: Saturday mornings to Sunday evenings. I stay overnight, then come home the next day for Mike to prepare for bed and go to work the next day.

I wouldn’t have it any other way. Of course, that is unless I am able to quit work and just do photography.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

a.k.a. SAD – ironic, eh? 

According to the DSM IV (what psychologists/psychiatrists use to diagnose disorders, etc)…

Stolen from the aafp’s website:

Diagnostic Criteria for a Major Depressive Episode
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  1. At least five of the following symptoms have been present during the same two-week period, nearly every day, and represent a change from previous functioning. At least one of the symptoms is either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure. NOTE: Do not include symptoms that are clearly due to a general medical condition, or mood-incongruent delusions or hallucinations.(1) Depressed mood (or alternatively can be irritable mood in children and adolescents).
    (2) Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities.
    (3) Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain or decrease or increase in appetite. |
    (4) Insomnia or hypersomnia.
    (5) Psychomotor agitation or retardation.
    (6) Fatigue or loss of energy.
    (7) Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt.
    (8) Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness.
    (9) Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.
  2. The symptoms are not better accounted for by a mood disorder due to a general medical condition, a substance-induced mood disorder, or bereavement (normal reaction to the death of a loved one).
  3. The symptoms are not better accounted for by a psychotic disorder like schizoaffective disorder.

Reprinted with permission from American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. 4th ed. Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Association, 1994:327. Copyright 1994.


Criteria for Seasonal Pattern Specifier
  1. Regular temporal relationship between the onset of major depressive episodes and a particular time of the year (unrelated to obvious season-related psychosocial stressors)
  2. Full remissions (or a change from depression to mania or hypomania) also occur at a characteristic time of the year
  3. Two major depressive episodes meeting criteria A and B in last two years and no nonseasonal episodes in the same period
  4. Seasonal major depressive episodes substantially outnumber the nonseasonal episodes over the individual’s lifetime

Reprinted with permission from American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. 4th ed. Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Association, 1994:390. Copyright 1994.

So, I’ve believed for some time now that I have this condition because when winter comes, I get really depressed. I feel lifeless at times…like I have no purpose but to just walk around bundled in warm clothing and do nothing. When warm weather returns, I perk back up, although, I’m not a happy little hippo. I just feel a lot less depressed.

I dread this winter because it will be my first non-pregnant, hormonal winter. I know it’s getting ready to get worse; worse than it has ever been. I’ve never been on birth control and thus far, I’ve felt like an on-edge crazy woman for the most part. I’m not sure if I want to endure this for the next 5 years.

Will it ever get better? Will this irritability subside? How long until I feel normal??

Mommies aren’t perfect. There’s no manual for motherhood.

Over the past few nights Aidan has woke up during the night – usually around 3 am – my guess is because he’s in pain from teething again. That, or because he’s not eating enough and not staying full through the night. He also had bad gas yesterday. Fart here. Fart there. Fart everywhere!

Well, I had gotten accustomed to sleeping through the night again. Suddenly I am awoken to have to tend to him. Not that I mind that at all, it’s just that it seems like forever to get him back to sleep. Really it isn’t, but because I’m not used to waking up again, I’m tired as hell when I do.

Last night I laid down to go to bed around midnight. Shortly after – like 15 minutes – just when I was getting comfy and asleep, he wakes up. I was very frustrated and shaky (you know when something startles you awake?).

Then he woke up again at like 4 am. Double whammy!! Man, was I tired. I was stumbling trying to get to the kitchen to make him some food and stuff. I was aggravated – not at Aidan – but at myself because it was like I couldn’t figure out what was wrong and fix it. And I didn’t want to ask Mike for help because he has to work; I don’t. I never want to bother him because he works long, rough hours. I don’t want to put my job off on him because I’m tired.

But….sometimes I’ll need help. Motherhood can be very exhausting and demanding, especially when your child is ill. Children get ill when teething. It’s painful and can cause fever, coughing, etc. I’m very fortunate that he’s never been sick from a virus or anything horrible like that.

Tylenol takes care of what we’ve gone through.

Back to my night. So I fed Aidan a bowl of rice and a bottle!! In the middle of the night. He slept until about 7:15am-ish when  put him in bed with me. Then we slept until 9am. There’s nothing better than cuddling with my child. Not even sex!!

This morning, Mike and I talked about last night and I broke down. I have a hard time asking for help with things…especially when I know how to do them.

There’s no manual on motherhood, so what you may do one day, may not work the next. Clearly I must change his eating habits and increase his intake.

He poops so much, too. I promise I change his diaper every hour and when he poops, immediately, but he’s still getting diaper rashes regularly. This is his first one in a couple of weeks or so. I think it’s the sweet potatoes that make him poop. It turns his butt red and it smells differently which signifies a chemical change which is what is burning his butt.

Poor baby. He cries when I try to clean him. I plan to just wash him when he poops.

Look at my rocking baby in his Misfits onesie and motorcycle boots!!


Sugar, baby!

While we were laying in bed playing this morning, Aidan pulled himself up from laying down and he was able to get in an upright, sitting position!!

Woohoo! He’s growing so fast.

Yesterday we were looking in the mirror and I told him to give himself sugar, then I kissed the mirror to show him how. He leaned over and put his nose against the mirror. (That’s how he gives sugars!) How sweet!!

After his daddy came home, he gave him sugars galore! This was the first time I was even able to show Mike how he gives sugar, let alone him actually give it to him.

He’s the sweetest boy ever!!

For the past few days he’ been chewing on his fingers again, to the left side of his mouth. Signs of teething again!! He already has 3!!! Poor baby. He hasn’t been sleeping through the night lately because of it, I’m sure.

weight loss progress

Since deciding to return to my habit/diet of eating 5 small meals a day, I have noticed a difference over the past 2 weeks.

Two weekends ago (22nd & 23rd) I weighed myself on a scale at work the nurses use, so I trust it. I don’t trust my home one. Last time before that I had weighed 146. I now weigh 141 lbs.!!! According to my home scale I weigh 136, which isn’t true, I don’t think.

Since I weighed myself 2 weeks ago, I know I’ve lost even more since then because my pants are getting looser and my stomach is getting flatter. I just wish I could tighten it.

That’s where I’m going to start working now: tightening the skin by doing sit-ups, crunches, etc. At first when I did this, I had all of that extra weight that my body wasn’t used to supporting so my back would hurt along with other areas, like my knees.

I can’t wait to weigh myself at work this weekend!!

Another benefit of the 5 small meals a day is that my energy is maintained and I don’t feel so hungry when I get hungry. I don’t pig out when I sit down to eat. My stomach has definitely shrunk because I tried to eat more at work last weekend because it was a good dish and I couldn’t. I had to waste the food.

It’s been a while since I’ve done that. I was still eating for two after I had Aidan!!

Last night Mike told me he could see a difference in my face.

I’m so glad to be getting the old me back!!